


Where Clover Whitens

by walkingonfirex



Category: All Time Low (Band)
Genre: Abuse, Abusive Relationships, Angst, Bottom Alex, Cheating, Domestic Violence, Emotional Manipulation, Emotional/Psychological Abuse, F/M, Gay Sex, Heavy Angst, I've got a lot of abuse tags but I wanna make it clear so that no one gets triggered, Internalized Homophobia, Jalex - Freeform, M/M, Marriage, Melodrama, One-Sided Attraction, Physical Abuse, Sad, Top Jack, Unrequited Love
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2019-12-28
Updated: 2021-01-15
Packaged: 2021-02-26 03:00:27
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence
Chapters: 4
Words: 8,985
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/21996400
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/walkingonfirex/pseuds/walkingonfirex
Summary: Jack and Alex have been best friends for as long as they can remember, and that's as long as Alex has loved Jack. When Jack steps completely out of character and gets married to a woman named Caitlin, Alex has to try desperately to move on. That's how he meets Beau, a seemingly perfect distraction. Beau is far from perfect, and that may cost Alex his life. But in the long run...does Alex really care? And more importantly, does Jack?
Relationships: Alex Gaskarth/Original Male Character(s), Jack Barakat & Original Female Character(s), Jack Barakat/Alex Gaskarth
Comments: 9
Kudos: 22





	1. Trochee

**Author's Note:**

> I've had this story outlined for about a year and I'm gonna kick my own ass if I don't get it written and out here. A million thanks to my wonderful beta, writergirl-26. 
> 
> Boy, this story is gonna be melodramatic.

_Because I liked you better_

_Than suits a man to say,_

_It irked you, and I promised_

_To throw the thought away._

_-_ A.E. Housman, _“_ Because I Liked You Better”

Alex stepped off of the tour bus and took a deep breath, looking around. It wasn’t snowing or raining but the sky was gray and dreary, full of clouds. He and the rest of All Time Low’s band and crew had just returned from a two-month-long tour of the United States, and their driver had just pulled in to the parking lot in Baltimore where they had all met up _before_ tour. Typically, they would all meet up in LA, but because it was only a few weeks until Christmas, they’d all decided that it would be easier for everyone if they just met up in Baltimore. 

Baltimore wasn’t what it used to be, in Alex’s opinion. Crime rates were up, and as were poverty and teen pregnancy rates. And while he knew that he was blessed to have grown up in the suburb, Towson, not everyone was as lucky. That was why he was especially glad that he was finally moving out of the area, to the completely opposite coast. Jack had moved to Los Angeles a few years before and had been begging Alex to join him ever since. 

Alex gave a small wave and a forced smile to his bandmates before heading off to his car. He threw his suitcases into the trunk, rubbed his cold hands together, and blew on them to hopefully heat them up. Quickly, he slid into the driver’s seat of his silver Prius, and cranked up the heat. It took a few minutes for it to heat up, but he was en route to his house before the vents started blowing hot air. He turned on a podcast just to drown out the quiet and drove a bit too fast down the virtually empty streets. It was six pm on a Sunday; probably active and jumping in California, but quiet and relaxed in Maryland. He couldn’t wait to get back to his house. 

Even if it was just for a few months, the band and crew were all going their separate ways for a bit. It was always good to get a break from them; the four of them were like brothers, and brothers often do not get along. Rian was bossy, Zack was moody, and Jack…well, Jack just made Alex miserable. Jack was a lady’s man, a proud slut, and obnoxious. He drank way too much, often did hard drugs, and out of all of them, enjoyed the traditional rockstar lifestyle more than any of them. That was, until he’d met Caitlin Carpenter, a sweet and blonde model from Beverly Hills.

Once Alex was in his driveway, he sighed and got his suitcases out of his trunk. He rolled them into his house and then immediately let go. He could hear the pitter-patter of eight paws rushing toward him, and for the first time in weeks, a genuine smile graced his tired features. Alex all but collapsed to the floor, gathering his dogs into his arms as they ran to him. They attacked him with kisses and paws and he laughed out loud. It felt good to laugh. He pressed a kiss to the top of Sebastian’s head and then nuzzled Peyton’s. While he had been gone, his mother had quite graciously offered to care for them. They were the only grandkids she was ever going to have, after all. Alex was grateful. Baz was old and had asthma, so not only did he hate to leave him, he did not trust many people with his boy. 

After a long time of sitting in the floor with his dogs, Alex finally got to his feet and dragged them upstairs, alongside his suitcases. Normally, Alex would just throw his suitcases to the side and immediately relax or take a shower. Not tonight. Tonight, he sought control, and so he began to unpack. It felt weird, sure, as he typically kept his things in his suitcases for at least a week after he returned from tour. He hung his up his pants and folded his t-shirts, putting them away. Alex stopped, however, when he spotted an obnoxious orange hoodie folded neatly at the bottom of one of the bags. 

Swallowing hard, Alex picked up the hoodie and held it close to his chest, breathing in the familiar cologne that clung to it. This was Jack’s hoodie that he often stole. Not only was Alex always cold, but he liked having something of Jack’s with him all of the time, something that both reminded him of his best friend and smelled like him. He’d been doing this since they were in junior high and they’d always shared clothes. Alex had to share Jack’s hoodies with Caitlin now, though, which meant that this was essentially his only option. He wondered if Jack even knew that he had this one. Alex wouldn’t be telling him so. 

Caitlin had set Jack straight, and forced him to take a hard look at himself and why he did the things that he did. Jack had never really assessed his own mental health, in favor of putting off what others expected from him. Caitlin had helped him discover that he was suffering and why. Simply put, Jack was working too much., touring too much. He convinced the guys that they needed a break, which was why they'd be off for (at least) a full year after their last tour. That meant that Alex wouldn’t get to see him as much, and _that_ was what finally convinced him to move to LA. 

Jack was marrying Caitlin, too. He’d proposed about a year ago, which meant that it wouldn’t be long before the two were husband and wife. But Alex hadn’t been expecting it to be so _soon_. They were set to be married only a week after the tour ended. Alex didn’t think that that was enough time to fully prepare, with Jack gone for so long. But hell, what did he know? Alex’s love life had been pathetically stagnant for years. He tended to repeatedly date the same people: his high school sweetheart, a girl he met in LA when he was twenty, a girl who fronted a band they’d toured with. Those relationships never worked out, though, and Alex constantly found himself to be lonely. He had a lot of great friends, a supportive family, and his dogs. However, none of that could truly take the place of a lover, someone to come home to, someone that would love him unconditionally and always be on his side. Alex had always hoped that that person would eventually wind up being Jack, but that was definitely not happening now. 

With that thought in mind, Alex abandoned his unpacking, gripping the cotton of the hoodie in his hands and slid onto his bed. He didn’t bother getting under the covers, as tears were pricking to his eyes. He closed them and buried his face into the hoodie, crying softly. It would not be long until he would be forced to screw on a smile and play the role of devoted best friend and best man. Alex wasn’t a good actor, either. 

He was broken from his cry-session when his phone vibrated, letting him know that he had a text, he was surprised that it was already the All Time Low group chat. They had _just_ gotten back from tour, after all. When he saw that the message was from Jack, he assumed it would be a meme. He thought wrong, and he immediately felt a punch to his gut. The message read, ‘is eight o’clock still a good start time for you guys?’ 

Jack was referring to his bachelor party, and it was only six days away. The other guys responded fairly quickly, but Alex waited a few minutes to compose himself. He sent a simple ‘yeah’ back before he switched his phone off and laid back down on his bed. Closing his eyes, he brought the hoodie back up to his chest and buried his face in it. 

With a single sigh, Alex fell into a dreamless, restless sleep. 


	2. Blank Verse

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Jack's bachelor party is off to a pretty good start, and Alex is miserable.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hey, hello! 
> 
> Sorry that it's been three months since I posted anything. Depression and school and work will do that to you. But, my friends, I have been to therapy, have A+ medication, and am stuck at home for the foreseeable future, since the university that I attend and teach at is shut down for the semester. I still have about a month of school and work, but I should be updating fairly soon. I promise that it will definitely not be three months again. It felt amazing to write again and it feels like a part of me that's been dead for a while has been resurrected. That's a weird metaphor, but the point is, I am back.

_I hate Parties;_

_They bring out the worst in me._

-Dorothy Parker, “Parties: A Hymn of Hate” 

Alex barely had time to breathe before it was time for him to see Jack and the rest of the guys again. He spent the week trying to get back to his normal routine: unpacking, cleaning, grocery shopping, meal planning, and TV show binging. He visited his parents and hung out with his dogs, but that was about the extent of his socialization for the week. Alex loved touring more than anything in the world, but after months of seeing thousands of people, he really needed a break. That break included his best friends and bandmates. They were a lot individually, and collectively, they were even _more_ , and when Jack was a part of that, _new, straight-laced, not Jack_ Jack, it was so much worse. 

The bachelor party kicked off at nine on that Friday evening, as even though Caitlin had made Jack shape up and be a better person (subjectively) overall, he still could not possibly ever be on time to anything, not even to his _own_ party. Alex hadn’t wanted to attend the bachelor party at all, so he arrived at the Mexican restaurant at about eight-thirty, and even still, he was earlier than the actual man of the hour. Rian and Zack were already seated with beers and margaritas, of course, along with Jack’s brother, a few members of their crew, and a couple guys from Jack’s LA group. He took a seat beside Zack and immediately ordered a beer and a shot of tequila; he knew that he was going to need as much alcohol as possible to make it through this night. No one said anything to Alex when he did so, but when a waiter sat his drinks down, Joe raised an eyebrow. 

“I guess I’m too old to pregame the way you do,” Joe said with a chuckle, sipping at his APA. 

Rian shook his head, dipping a tortilla chip deep into some chunky salsa. “Nah, you’re fine, Joe. Jack and Alex could outdrink a pirate.” 

It was a shitty joke, but it was enough to make the entire table laugh. Everyone except Alex, that was. It stung, and it made Alex think wistfully back on his and Jack’s friendship. He’d been best friends with Jack for almost half of his life, and they’d spent a good amount of it fucked up together. 

Alex pasted on a smile, grateful when then waitress sat his drinks down. She was a younger girl with a nose ring, pretty, and had a nice body. She smiled back at Alex and gave him a little wink. 

“Let me know if you need anything else, sweetie,” she sang before she walked off. 

Ricky raised an eyebrow at Alex and then gave him a smirk. “Guess you won’t be coming bar-hopping with us, huh, Alex?” 

Alex was neck deep in his bottle of Corona and barely even registered that Ricky was talking to him, let alone trying to joke with him. “Huh?” 

“Ricky wants to know if you’re gonna fuck that waitress,” Kevin said, leaning forward to grab a tortilla chip of his own. “She was shoving her tits in your face, dude.” 

Alex was quiet for a moment and then shrugged. “Oh, nah. She was cute, but I’m not here for that. We’re here for Jack,” he said with a little chuckle, despite the pang in his chest. _C’est la vie_ , he thought to himself. 

“There’s our boy!” Vinny exclaimed, pointing as Jack came in, an arm slung around Nano. 

“Sorry I’m fashionably late,” Jack said as he sat down across from Alex, giving him a smirk that sent Alex’s heart into palpitations. “Couldn’t figure out what to wear.” 

Nano rolled his eyes, sitting next to Rian. “More like he couldn’t decide which white claw to drink in the shower.” 

“There’s a lot of flavors,” Jack said, throwing his hands up defensively. “It was hard to decide.” 

“So he drank them all,” Nano translated as the flirty waitress returned. “I’ll have a double margarita.” 

No one was saying it, but Alex knew that Jack was only getting to drink and behave this way because Caitlin was out of town for her bachelorette party. Okay, maybe he was being hard on her. It wasn’t like she _forced_ Jack to quit drinking or anything. It was just that she preferred Jack to be sober and didn’t like for him to drink a lot. 

_“She says I’m not myself when I’m drinking,” Jack had told Alex about a year ago. It was right after he’d started dating Caitlin seriously and after he’d been in therapy for a few months._

_Alex had rolled his eyes. He didn’t like Caitlin, but he didn’t like how much Jack liked her even more “It’s not like you turn into some kind of fucking monster, Jack. You drank a lot there for a while, yeah. But we would have never let you drown yourself or anything.”_

_Jack shrugged. “Well, yeah. But Dr. Palmer also said that I was using alcohol to deal with my depression and identity issues.”_

_Frowning deeply, Alex stared at Jack. Who was this fucking man? “Identity issues?” he asked. “You don’t have that. If you did, we wouldn’t be friends.”_

_Chuckling softly, Jack squeezed Alex’s shoulder. “I appreciate you always having my back, Alex, but she’s right. She just meant that I was struggling deeply with who I am.”_

_That hurt Alex. Jack knew everything about him. Well,_ almost _everything. To learn that Jack was so depressed and unsure of himself and hadn’t spoken to Alex about it, really stung. Did he not trust Alex? And what made Caitlin better than him? A lot of things, Alex would soon learn._

“I’ll have a Corona and a double shot of tequila,” Jack said, raising a finger to the waitress, and Alex smiled a little because he knew that Jack would want that, knew that they’d have the same order. 

“Are we not ordering food?” Joe asked, laughing out loud. “Jesus Christ, you guys make me feel old.” 

“Of course we’re getting food,” Rian replied. “We’re just getting drinks, too.” 

Jack laughed at that. “Let me remind you that you _are_ old, bro.” 

When the waitress returned, the guys all ordered their food. Once upon a time, Jack and Alex had always gotten double orders of fajitas and split them at Mexican restaurants. They hadn’t done that in a while, though, so Alex didn’t bother, opting instead for a few enchiladas and some rice and beans. He was planning on getting plastered, anyway, and he didn’t want to throw up all night long. Being as inebriated as possible was the only way that he was going to make it through this: the bachelor party, the rehearsal dinner, the ceremony, the reception, all of it. Alex had been drunk for the better part of his teens and twenties, so he hoped that he was equipped for it. 

“You’re kinda quiet,” Jack said, nudging Alex’s foot with his own under the table. Alex couldn’t help the shiver that went up his body at the contact between them, even through clothes. He looked up and smiled his first real smile of the night. Even when he was feeling his worst, Jack could make him happy. 

“Just taking it all in,” Alex said, hiding behind his nearly empty bottle of Corona. 

Alex saw a flash of _something_ in Jack’s eyes, but as quickly as it came, it disappeared. “Well, tonight’s not about taking it in, ‘Lex. It’s about living in the moment.” With that, he gave Alex a nod and downed the double shot like it was water. 

And maybe Jack was right. Maybe that was the key to surviving this whole ordeal. If he didn’t look too far into the future, he wouldn’t have to think about Jack being married. He wouldn’t have to think about how his heart was going to be completely shattered. 

“I’ll drink to that,” Alex said with a little grin, raising his bottle up. Jack grinned back and then clinked his bottle against Alex’s. 

Downing the last of his Corona, Alex looked around the room. He was with his best friends in Los Angeles, ready to have a crazy night out celebrating his best friend in the world. He needed to chin the fuck up and he knew it. He could pout and cry later. For now, he was going to try his damnedest to have a good time. 

“So we’ll eat and then head out the Frolic Room, and go from there,” Jack said to the group as a whole. “We can bar hop all night long for all I care. Then, we’ll get McDonald’s at like…four a.m. or something.” 

Zack rolled his eyes and laughed. “It’s your choice, man. But I think most of us will be puking our lungs out by that point.” 

Alex hoped that he wasn’t, but if that was the cost of getting sloshed, then he’d pay it. 

When the waitress came back with the groups’ food, she passed it all out. Then, before she left, she asked if they needed anything else. 

“Can we get a double shot of tequila for everybody?” Alex asked, smiling and leaning forward. “It’s on me. Let’s get fucked up, boys.” 


	3. Allusion

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Bachelor party part deux

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Sorry that this took so long, my loves. I've done multiple edits on it. I'm not sure why I'm suddenly such a perfectionist when it comes to fanfic. A quick look at, well, any of my older stuff would make you wonder, too. Lmao but whatever, here's chapter 3. As always, much love to my beta, writergirl-26 on tumblr. :)

_Wine comes in at the mouth_

_And love comes in at the eye;_

_That’s all we shall know for truth_

_Before we grow old and die._

\- William Butler Yeats, “A Drinking Song”

Just stepping into the second bar gave Alex a headache. The 302 was infamous for being loud and bright, and it held up its reputation. There were pink and purple strobe lights flashing intensely and a club remix of an Ariana Grande song was pulsing so loudly that Alex could feel the bass in his feet and chest.

Alex was already tipsy by the time he and his friends reached the 302. There, he had several more shots, but this time, he’d switched to Grey Goose. He sipped on a few more beers and had a fruity cocktail, too, just to treat himself. In all honesty, Alex would much rather have that or a glass of wine, but tonight wasn’t about enjoying himself; it was about surviving. Alex’s head was already spinning and he could feel all of the liquor collecting and sloshing in his stomach. There was bile in the back of his throat and he felt nauseous. He and his friends were seated in the corner of the club drinking even more. At this point, most of the guys were trashed, stumbling and tripping over their own feet. Alex was watching Jack giggle with his head thrown back, that childish laugh that he knew by heart, that he hadn’t heard in a while. It was easy for Alex’s mind to conjure up different reasons for this, but they were all self-serving and not at all the truth. He imagined that Jack was happy and smiling because he was with his friends, not Caitlin, having a good time with all responsibilities forgotten. In reality, Jack was finally grown up. It had taken forever, but it was happening right before Alex’s eyes and it was as if all of his worst fears were coming true. Jack was changing. Jack was leaving Alex behind. He was getting married, going to buy a house and start a family. Alex was nowhere near that. 

The remnants of the vodka in Alex's glass burned his throat and he swallowed it bitterly, forcing himself to look away from his best friend. Instead, he chose to focus on Vinny, who was resurrecting his bit in which he treated liquor as puppets. Alex couldn't help but laugh, but he also couldn't stop his eyes from jumping back to Jack, wanting to know how he was reacting. Jack was giggling even harder, his fists clenched and his dark eyes filling with tears. Alex felt a pang in his chest; he wanted to hold that laugh close to his heart forever. 

Alex did not fall in love with Jack at first sight. It took years, actually. After all, he and Jack were not friends instantly; Jack had been wary of Alex’s private school past and cocky attitude. Alex had been wary of the dorky, kind of ugly kid in his physical science class that claimed to know more about rock music than him. Even so, it didn’t take long for the the two of them to become close friends. Alex admired Jack’s drive and his utter love of life and music. Jack had introduced him to Blink-182 and convinced him to start a band with him. They were so inseparable that it was weird for Alex when Jack _wasn’t_ around. Alex could remember the day Jack first played Blink for him like it was only the day before. 

Jack loved hanging out at Alex’s house because it was big and Alex had a giant room to himself. He also had no siblings, so no one but Alex’s parents could bother them. They rarely did, though, because Jack kept Alex busy and they loved Jack. He was a weird boy, but a sweet one and they knew that he cared for Alex very much. 

Alex had been listening to an old Sublime album when Jack arrived one day. Jack had just walked straight through the front door, yelled a hello to Peter and Isobel, and gone upstairs to Alex’s room, throwing the door open and stepping inside. 

“Good thing I wasn't jerking off,” Alex laughed from his bed, where he sat cross-legged. He smirked to hide the fact that his heart was pounding and that he could hardly keep from grinning from ear-to-ear. Being around Jack made him so happy. He was Alex’s favorite person in the world. 

Jack rolled his eyes, stopping in front of Alex’s expensive stereo. “As if you’ve hit puberty yet. Why are you listening to this old-ass record, dude?

Alex shrugged, still chuckling. “My room, my music, loser.” 

Ignoring Alex, Jack stopped the disc and then took the CD out of the player. 

“Hey!” Alex exclaimed, but Jack kept ignoring him. He pulled a CD case out of the back pocket of his skinny jeans and took out the disc, sliding it into the player. 

"What's this?” Alex asked, as Jack pressed play. 

“Shh," Jack shushed, padding across the room to sit down beside Alex.

_It's understood, I said it many ways, too scared to run, I'm too scared stay._

Alex hadn’t known it yet, but he was hearing the opening lyrics to “Dumpweed” by Blink-182, and Jack had brought over _Enema of the State_ for him to listen to. Jack had been obsessed with them for years, thanks to his older brother, and he wanted more than anything to share them with Alex. He frowned, listening to the way that the instruments combined and how…weirdly angry and fast the vocals were. He listened to the entire song without saying anything and he was surprised to hear a different voice when the second track started. 

“Don't Leave Me” was strangely upbeat musically for the dark lyrical content. But at the same time, the lyrics were a bit goofy, too. Alex was enthralled. He stayed quiet until “Adam’s Song.” That was when Alex started crying. He hadn’t been expected the sad lyrics at all, and he was surprised at how different this song was from the others. He had always been an emotional boy and for some reason, this one had really gotten to him. 

“Bro, are you crying?” Jack asked with a little chuckle, wrapping an arm around him. 

Alex sniffled and wiped at his eyes. “Shut up,” he whimpered. “Leave me alone.” 

Jack smiled softly, hugging Alex tight. “It’s no big deal. This song is a bummer. I think I'd be more concerned if you _weren’t_ sad.” 

Alex felt a little thump in his chest and he leaned into Jack’s shoulder. 

The rest of the album went smoothly, and as “Anthem” ended, Jack turned to Alex. 

“Well, what did you think of Blink?” he asked. 

With a smile, Alex shrugged. “They were…something. Something good.”

Jack’s face lit up. “Then let’s listen to it again!” 

From then on, Alex listened to Blink-182 nonstop. It wasn't just that Jack had introduced them to him. No, it was that he had genuinely loved something that Jack had shown him and it was something that they could share forever. It meant everything to him. 

Of course, Alex didn’t know the exact moment that he fell in love with Jack, but he did know the moment that he realized it. It was shortly after they had recorded _The Party Scene_ and they were performing “Lullabies” for the first time. It was rough for Alex to be so vulnerable publicly, since this was about his brother. His brother, who had died when Alex was only twelve years old. He'd idolized his brother and his death was the first one that Alex had been old enough to truly understand. It showed him that life was so temporary and how simply and quickly the people he loved most could be taken from him.Jack could tell that Alex was struggling and he gave Alex a smile as they readied themselves to change songs. 

“Just keep your eyes on me,” Jack whispered, still smiling. 

And Alex did, singing and watching as Jack very carefully played guitar, his focus never wavering. When Alex could feel the tears brimming in his eyes, he began singing directly to Jack and ruffling his hair. At some point during the song, their eyes locked and Alex could feel something that was not unlike his heart growing wings and soaring into the clouds. He'd never felt like that with _anyone_ before, not his high school girlfriend or any of the girls that he had dated casually. Alex had also never had a strong attraction to a guy before, either, but it wasn't the attraction that scared him; it was the _love_ that he felt for Jack. Through that performance, throughout high school, Jack had been there for him. He’d been his rock. And Jack hadn't known it, but he’d been Alex’s _everything_. 

From there, it just grew stronger. They graduated high school and started touring all of the time, which of course gave way to groupies and girls in bars and even longterm girlfriends. Luckily for Alex, Jack didn’t have a lot of the latter. Unfortunately for Alex, Jack had a lot of the former. Jack took to the rock-and-roll party lifestyle pretty well, not unlike the rest of the band, but Alex really didn’t care for sleeping around. Not like Jack, anyway. And as far as Alex knew, Jack loved women and only women. He’d never experienced a guy that talked about boobs as much as his best friend. A lot of people thought that it was funny, others found it annoying, but for Alex, it was torturous and no matter how many girls and guys he met throughout the many tours they’d been on over the years, he couldn’t make himself really _see_ anyone but Jack. 

“Hey, Al,” Rian slurred, putting a hand on Alex’s shoulder to level himself and he stood up. “We should dance.” 

Alex looked up at Rian. It felt like Rian was swaying back and forth slowly and maybe he was, but it was more likely because Alex was hammered. “No thanks,” he replied. Alex had always loved to dance, especially when he’d been drinking, but he just wasn't in the mood. 

“Oh, come on,” Rian drawled, throwing an arm around Alex. “Quit being so boring. You’ve barely said anything all night.”

Sighing, Alex nodded and stood up. Rian, as annoying as he was right now, was correct. If Alex wanted to maintain a sense of normalcy, then he was going to have to behave like himself. 

Alex followed Rian onto the dance floor where Zack had managed to find a cute brunette to grind on. Vinny, Flyzik, and Grieco were attempting to dance in a circle near them. Alex awkwardly tried to follow whatever odd movements that Rian was doing, which mostly included stomping his feet and nodding his head. Alex was usually a much better dancer than this, but he didn't really feel like twerking or dropping it when his stomach was so queasy. Throwing up was one thing, throwing up on the dance floor was something completely different. He tried to keep his eyes closed so that the lights wouldn’t make him feel sicker, but it was to no avail. Only about three minutes into swaying in the middle of the hot floor saw Alex covering his mouth and running off to the graffiti’d restroom. 

Alex barely made it without vomiting as he escaped into one of the stalls and then bent over the toilet. He gagged once before he retched violently. Alex emptied the contents of his stomach until he was drive-heaving and drooling, tears in his eyes. He coughed a couple times and then took a deep breath. Alex rested his arm against the toilet and then pressed his forehead against it, closing his eyes. The music from the club was still faint in his ears, but at least there were no colorful strobe lights around to feel like needles shoved into his eyes.

“Hey, Alex?” a very familiar voice called out from outside of the stall. 

Taking a deep breath, Alex closed his eyes. “I’m in here, Jack.” After, Alex heard footsteps come toward him. He didn't know if he was relieved or annoyed or embarrassed. Maybe he was all three.

Since Alex had the stall door unlocked, Jack pushed it open and stood in the entryway of it. Alex barely lifted his head so that he could see his friend and his heart skipped a beat. Jack was smiling was so genuinely, his eyes full of concern. Overall, he just looked incredible to Alex, like he always did. He was dressed in typical Jack fashion: dark jeans, a black jacket over a gray t-shirt, black boots, and his spade necklace. 

“Are you okay?” Jack asked, reaching a hand out to gently rub Alex’s back. “You need some water or something?” 

Alex shook his head slowly, still feeling a bit dizzy. “No…Well, eventually I probably will want some, but I need to catch my breath.” 

Jack moved his hand to Alex’s shoulder and squeezed it. “I haven't seen you get sick from alcohol since like…the House Party tour.” He didn’t say it, but Alex could tell that Jack was suspicious. 

Alex forced out a chuckle. “Yeah, I guess I went a little harder at the restaurant than I meant to. I was just really excited.” 

As Alex finished speaking, Jack raised an eyebrow and gave him a specific look, one that showed that he wasn’t convinced that what Alex was saying was true. “Yeah?” he asked, haphazardly. “Well, maybe you’ll be better now since you puked. But still, you might wanna take it easy from here on out.” 

Frowning, Alex took another deep breath and stood up a bit shakily. Jack was weirdly sober for this time of the night and for it to be his bachelor party. Still, he decided not to press it; maybe he couldn’t commit to drinking the way that he used to, not when Caitlin had helped him with his drinking. Alex wouldn't call the amount that Jack used to drink a problem, but it was definitely what he had used to cope and how he managed a lot of stressful and/or social situations. On one hand, Alex was glad that Jack was healthier, both mentally and physically, but on the other, it had hurt to see Jack change. Alex didn’t think that alcohol fundamentally made up who Jack was. Of course not. He’d known Jack forever and he hadn't been too different sober vs. drunk when they were younger, but as they got older, sober Jack had been quieter, sadder, less fun. Now, sober Jack was still a bit quiet and a little less fun, but he wasn’t sad and that was all that mattered. Alex didn’t know if the difference was Jack cutting down on how much he drank or if it was just the presence of Caitlin, but regardless, Jack was better. 

“I will,” Alex said with a nod, facing Jack. “I’m just gonna rinse my mouth out and then I think I can get back out there. My head hurts, though.” 

Jack stepped out of the way so that Alex could get to a sink. “Probably just need some water, but if you don't feel better soon, I’m sure we can scrounge you up some ibuprofen.” 

Alex chuckled softly and then bent over the sink, cupping his hands to catch some water. He swished it around in his mouth and then gargled before he spat back into the sink. When he straightened up, Jack handed him a brown paper towel and squeezed his shoulder. 

“Thanks,” Alex said, taking the paper towel and drying his hands and face. 

Jack smiled and nodded. “No problem, man.” Jack kept his arm around Alex as they headed back out to the main area of the club and Alex felt a flutter in his chest. Jack had always been so kind and good to Alex — it was probably why they had been such good friends for so long. They stopped at the bar in front of a blonde bartender who wore a lot of blush and highlighter. 

“Can you get my friend a tall glass of ice water?” Jack asked the bartender, flashing her a smile. 

“Anything for you,” she told Alex with a smirk, turning around and filling a glass for him. 

Jack nudged him and grinned. “Tonight’s really your night, dude. First the waitress, now the bartender. You’re gonna have your pick of the hottest food service girls in LA.” He laughed at his own joke. 

Alex’s stomach lurched again as the bartender slid his glass across the bar, but this time it wasn’t from a copious amount of alcohol. “Thanks,” he muttered to the bartender. 

‘No problem at all, cutie,” she said with a wink before turning to a customer to Jack’s left. 

As he took a sip of his water, Alex realized that he had singlehandedly taken up a good chunk of Jack’s time here. He felt guilty and immediately began to apologize. “Jack, I’m fine. I’m sorry I wasn’t more careful. Go have fun. This is your last outing as a single man.” The last line tasted worse than straight gold tequila and it burned more, too. 

Jack laughed, shaking his head and throwing an arm around Alex. “Dude, _I_ chased after _you_. Don’t even fucking worry about it. You’ve done the same for me how many times?” 

Alex shrugged and looked away, noting how Zack had lost the brunette and was now sitting off by himself, looking a bit solemn. “I guess.” 

Jack clapped Alex on the back and grinned, not noticing what Alex was looking at. “Well, if you’ll excuse me, I’m gonna go dance like a white guy. Feel free to join me once you’re feeling better.” 

Forcing a smile, Alex nodded. He watched Jack walk over to Rian and join him in his terrible dancing and Alex realized that Zack had been staring at Rian. He didn’t know what was going on, but whatever it was, he could definitely relate to not having a good time. Still, Alex wouldn’t call this the worst night of his life. 

He still had Jack’s wedding to get through. 


	4. Caesura

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Zack has something to discuss with Alex.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hello, I suck very much. My perfectionism keeps getting the best of me and I wish I could say that I'm not gonna keep doing this, but I know that I am lmao. Anyway, I hope you guys enjoy this. Lots of thanks to my beta astro-physicist-not-princess on tumblr. :)

_I love thee with a love I seemed to lose_

_With my lost saints. I love thee with the breath,_

_Smiles, tears, of all my life; and, if God choose,_

_I shall but love thee better after death._

-Elizabeth Barret Browning, “How Do I Love Thee? (Sonnet 43)”

Alex wasn’t surprised at all when his doorbell rang the next afternoon. He had spent most of the morning nursing one of the worst hangovers of his entire life, which was _really_ saying something. Alex had become glued to his bed, doubled over with a small trash can in his lap, vomiting until all he could do was dry heave and cry. Never before had his head hurt so much, pounding so hard that he could barely open his eyes, Needless to say, he had been downright miserable. However, after a bit more sleep, some toast, a couple bottles of Gatorade, and way too many ibuprofens, he was feeling less shitty.

Alex also wasn’t surprised when he pulled his door open and saw Zack standing behind it, waiting for him. He looked much better than Alex felt, but he also held his liquor way better than anyone else that Alex knew.

“Uh…hey,” Alex said softly, biting his bottom lip. “What’s up?” He opened the door a bit wider and stepped aside to let his friend inside.

“Hey, Alex,” Zack replied as he came into the house. “Sorry to bother you. I know you gotta be feeling rough.”

Alex closed the door behind Zack and then followed him into the living room. “S’okay. Do you want a drink? Coffee or something?”

Zack shook his head, playing with the cap that he wore backward on his head. “Nah, I’m good. Thanks, though.”

Nodding, Alex gestured to the furniture in the living room. Zack sat down on his sofa and Alex in a recliner near him. Peyton and Baz came bounding in the room, both of them rushing to sniff Zack with wagging tails.

“Sup, little dudes?” Zack said with a grin, leaning down to pet both of them. Alex watched them quietly, a small smile on his face, as well. The only times that he felt pure joy when he wasn’t on stage was when he was with his dogs. Or Jack, but that also came with immense pain.

Alex began to tap his foot nervously, knowing that Zack was going to talk to him about something important. He could tell by the way that Zack had looked at him _and_ Rian last night that something was going on. He just wasn’t sure what.

“I kinda wanted to talk to you about something,” Zack said, leaning back as if he could read Alex’s mind.

“Yeah, I figured,” Alex said with a shrug.

As if he could sense that something was wrong, Baz hopped into Alex’s lap and curled into a ball. Alex gratefully began to pet Baz’s soft head.

“I just…I can tell that something’s not right with you and I don’t…,” Zack trailed off, clicking his tongue in thought. “I don’t want you to end up like me,” he said with a deep sigh.

Frowning, Alex locked eyes with Zack. “What do you mean, like you? What’s wrong with you? You’re like, perfect, Zack.”

Zack snorted, shaking his head. He laughed, but it didn’t seem genuine. “I am not perfect, Al. Far from it, actually. But I guess it’s less about me and more about…Rian.”

Alex was quiet, still stroking Baz’s fur. He had an inkling about what Zack was going to tell him, but he also didn’t want to assume anything. He figured it best to just not say anything until Zack prompted him to.

“Or Rian and me. I don’t know,” Zack went on, wringing his hands together. Alex knew that Zack was an anxious person and suffered from panic attacks. In fact, they had bonded over their mutual struggle, and Alex could tell when Zack was dealing with a lot. He was doing that now.

“It’s all right,” Alex whispered, hoping that Zack wouldn’t feel obligated to tell him anything that he wasn’t comfortable sharing. “If it’s too much, then-”

“No,” Zack interrupted, shaking his head. “No. I’ve gotta tell you. If I don’t, then…then you’re gonna just end up like me. Alone. And anyway, I need to tell _someone,_ or else I’m gonna lose it. I’ve kept it a secret for…so long.”

Alex frowned. Zack wasn’t usually this serious. Something about it was almost…frightening to him. His eyes were dark and his jaw set and tight. “Okay,” Alex said with a nod. “Take your time.”

Zack cleared his throat and leaned back, head resting against the chair. “I think it was right after the _Nothing Personal_ release. Me and Ri, we were sharing a room on a hotel night and I was so high and we’d both been drinking _a lot_ , you know how it was.” Zack paused and Alex simply nodded again. He did know how it was. They’d been touring for quite a while at that point, but they were still young, and partying was like second nature to all of them. Not just the band, but their crew, as well.

“Anyway. It was like three in the morning and we were both laying on my bed, kind of staring at the ceiling and I got the spins, so I sat up and bent over because I really thought I was gonna puke. Rian kinda put his hand on my shoulder and then my back, and I just remember that he was being so caring and trying to make me feel better. And I…,” Zack trailed off, his cheeks reddening. “My heart was pounding like crazy, like something was _wrong_ with me, like nothing I’d ever felt before and-and I just. Kissed him. And he kissed me back and we just…didn’t stop.” Sighing, Zack ran a hand through his hair and closed his eyes.

“We fucked. And I was so scared the next day that he was gonna act like nothing happened or scream at me for it because he definitely had a girlfriend, but that morning, I woke up and he was smiling at me.” Alex noticed how Zack also smiled as he mentioned Rian’s smiling. “He told me that I was a really good fuck and we laughed about it and then we just kept it going for months. _Years_ ,” he said with a swallow.

Alex frowned. He would never judge Zack, but if this was something that his friends carried on for years, that almost had to mean that they were messing around while Rian was with Cassadee. They didn’t talk anymore, Alex and Cass, but she’d been one of his good friends for a long time. After she and Rian had broken off their engagement, she’d essentially broken off her friendships with everyone in the band. It had hurt Alex a lot, but he also understood why she had done it. Associating with the band at all would just remind her of Rian and Alex could imagine that would be very painful.

“I know what you’re thinking,” Zack said wanly. “I mean, probably a lot of things, but yeah, we were fucking while he was with Cass.” Zack’s face reddened even more. “Trust me, I felt guilty about it then and I feel guilty about it now.” He was quiet for a moment, looking away. “I just couldn’t find it in me to stop. I kept telling myself that it was just because Rian’s a really good lay,” he said with a bitter chuckle. “That it was convenient, especially on tour, and it was something you can’t necessarily get from a girl, you know? But I think you and I both know, even if you’re just now learning about it, that that’s not what it was at all. I was in love with him. Am in love with him.”

Alex’s eyes widened and his fingers gripped onto the sofa, his knuckles turning white. He couldn’t believe that two of his best friends had carried this on for so long behind his back. But what really troubled him was what was to come. Zack’s words from the beginning were running through his mind repetitively.

_“No. I’ve gotta tell you. If I don’t, then…then you’re gonna just end up like me. Alone.”_

To be fair, though, Alex was already alone.

“Then he told us that he was gonna propose to Cass. And you guys were so excited and so was he, I couldn’t say anything that day.” Zack swallowed hard. “But I couldn’t believe that he just sprang that on me at the same time that he told you guys. I thought that we were closer than that.” Zack stopped, pursing his lips. “I guess not, though. I told him the next day that he had to choose – me or Cass – because I couldn’t come in between them. You know, they were gonna be _married_. And he chose her,” Zack finished, staring off at seemingly nothing, his eyes misty.

There was a pit in Alex’s stomach, a knot in his throat. Not only did his heart ache for his friend, but he knew where Zack was going with this. Still, he reached out and gently touched Zack’s shoulder. “Thanks for telling me, man. I’m sorry that you went through that.” He didn’t say it, but Alex wasn’t sure that he’d be able to view Rian the same way after this.

Zack shrugged. “Thank you, Alex, but I didn’t tell you for sympathy or so you’d dislike Ri…I did it to myself. There’s no one to blame but me. I knew that Rian was with Cass, I knew that he loved her, at least to an extent. And because of that, I should have never started the whole thing up, should have ended it right away, but I didn’t and now I have to live with it.”

“Did she-did Rian and Cass…,” Alex trailed off, nails digging into the linen of the sofa.

“Did they break up because of me?” Zack finished for him, shaking his head with a slight chuckle. “Nah, I guess everything Rian said about the split was true. He fucked that one up on his own. But I can’t help but wonder sometimes if she knew, you know?”

“Jack and I didn’t,” Alex said with a shrug. “And we basically live on top of each other three-hundred days of the year.”

Zack nodded in agreement. “Yeah. But you guys weren’t in a relationship with Ri, either. It’s different when you are. Not that he and I were ever in a relationship,” he said with a bitter chuckle.

It was silent between them after that. Alex watched Zack stare at the wall in front of them, seemingly lost in thought. He knew for sure what Zack needed to talk to him about; he just really didn’t want to hear it. He didn’t want him and Jack to end up like Zack and Rian; he didn’t want to end up like Zack. As much as he loved his friend, he was already miserable enough as it was. A situation similar to his would only add salt to the wounds.

“I don’t want you to be like me,” Zack whispered as if having read Alex’s mind. “I don’t want you to feel this way, Alex.” He sighed, running his hand through his mussed hair for the umpteenth time that day. “I know that you love Jack. I had a feeling before, but I saw how you looked at him last night. How sad you were.”

Alex’s hands were shaking, his heart pounding. He’d never discussed this with anyone, had never even said the words aloud. The fact that Zack had seen right through him was more than enough to cause him to panic. “Zack, you don’t know what you’re talking about!” he yelped with a burst. Spooked by the outburst, Baz jumped off of Alex’s lap and ran out of the room, Peyton following after with a bark.

“Hey, Alex, it’s okay,” Zack said gently, reaching out for Alex’s hand.

Alex promptly yanked his hand away and stood up, fighting back tears. “Stop! Just stop! You don’t know what you’re talking about,” he repeated as if he’d rehearsed it in his head. He had.

Zack got to his feet and walked over to Alex, gently putting a hand on each of his shoulders. “Hey, it’s all right. I know this is hard for you. I just spent the last thirty minutes spilling my guts to you about Rian. I _know_ how hard this is.”

Alex blinked, gulping as tears finally began to slip down his cheeks. “What am I supposed to do, Zack? Why did you tell me all of this?” He sniffled as Zack pulled him into a hug.

“I told you this so you’ll know to tell Jack how you feel,” Zack said softly and Alex jerked away from him as if he’d been struck.

“I _can’t_ ,” Alex whimpered, wiping at his dark eyes. “Why the fuck do you think I’ve kept this a secret for so long?!”

Zack stepped back, mulling over the question for a few moments. “I’m not sure about that, Alex. Why don’t _you_ tell _me_?” He sat down calmly, hoping that Alex would follow him. 

Alex stayed still for a moment, watching Zack. Finally, he did sit back down and swiped at his face angrily. “Because…because I didn’t want to fuck up the band,” he said, still not looking at Zack.

“Oh, come _on_ ,” Zack said with a raise of his brow. “I know that’s not it. It’s not that simple or else you wouldn’t have literally panicked when I said something about it. I promise that it’s okay to tell me, Al. It’s gonna eat you alive if you don’t. Trust me.”

Alex sniffled hard before finally moving his hands. “Jack’s my best friend,” he whispered. “He’s the only one I’ve ever had.” He bit his lip and began to crack his knuckles anxiously. “I lost all of my friends when we moved here from the UK. The private school kids all thought that I was weird and not rich enough,” he said with a bitter chuckle. “And then, at Dulaney, everyone thought that I was too preppy and prissy.” Swallowing hard, Alex began to bounce his knee. “On my first day, some senior told me that no one was gonna talk to me if I kept dressing so faggy.”

Zack reached out and squeezed Alex’s shoulder. “You never told us that.”

“Yeah,” Alex said, chuckling again. “Didn’t want you guys to think I was a fag. Look at me now.” Shaking his head, he went on. “But Jack…he didn’t care about any of that. I mean, he thought I was kinda weird, but he didn’t care. He wanted to be my friend. He was the first real friend I’d ever had a-and I met him right after my brother died.” Alex shrugged. “And no matter what, he’s always been there for me, never made me feel weird for who I am, never made me worry about how I had to act around him. So why wouldn’t I…fall in love with him?” he asked softly, closing his eyes. It took everything in him to admit it and he took a deep breath, suddenly exhausted.

“Anyway. I can’t lose that. I can’t lose _him_. If he knew, even if he didn’t hate me, things would never be the same. He’d never look at me the same,” Alex whimpered miserably. “And to be honest, he’d probably just hate me and never want to speak to me again,” he choked on a sob as he finished speaking.

“Jack isn’t homophobic, Alex,” Zack pointed out, frowning just a bit. “You should give him more credit than that. In fact, he’s one of the most open-minded people that I know.” Zack hesitated for a moment before looking Alex square in the eye. “Besides, you never know. He might like you, too.”

Alex snorted. “Dude, he’s getting _married_. To a woman. I know you’re not _that_ ignorant.

“I’m just saying,” Zack said defensively. “You’ve never once discussed this with him. You have no way of knowing how he’d feel.”

Zack stayed quiet after that, allowing Alex to think it over. That’s what he believed Alex needed to do the most. Think.

“Anyway, I’m saying that you need to tell him so that you can at least get closure and move on. I’m never going to get that with Rian and that’s going to make me sick for the rest of my life. You, on the other hand, can at least _try_ to get over Jack if he doesn’t feel the same way as you.”

“And he doesn’t,” Alex said sheepishly. But Zack could tell that the gears in his mind were turning and that was all that Zack had come here for.

“Like I said, you don’t know that,” Zack said softly as he stood up. He squeezed Alex’s shoulder one more time. “You’ve got a lot to think about, so I’m gonna go. But Alex, please know that you’re not alone in this. If you ever need me, for anything, I’ll be here as fast as I can, okay?”

Alex nodded pensively, forcing a smile for Zack. “Thanks, dude. And, uh…thanks for telling me about you and Ri. And for caring.”  
Zack chuckled softly. “No problem, dude.”

Alex watched as Zack slipped out the front door and then he headed upstairs to change his clothes. He waited for the sound of Zack’s car driving off before he came back and also slipped through the front door. Zack had said that he needed to think things over, but Alex had done enough thinking. He had somewhere to be and he had to get there as soon as possible. 


End file.
